You need to water the plants. Five years, three interdependent aims, a postdoc and a 0.5 FTE biostatistician. Not discussed.
> /plugin marketplace add pcingola/wowbagger
> /plugin install wowbagger-grant-writer@wowbaggerThen type /wowbagger-grant-writer and something that is bothering you.
Real runs, unedited.
SOAK: Substrate Optimisation and Allocation of Kitchen-Tap Water in a Longitudinal, Systems-Level Model of Domestic Ornamental Flora
Activity code: R01 (Parent, Clinical Trial Not Allowed)
Project period: 5 years
Direct costs: 10 modules × $25,000 × 5 years = $1,250,000
Due date: 5 October 2026 (new). Earliest start: 1 July 2027.
This application was not substantially developed by AI.
Household plants that do not receive water die, and every household on Earth may contain one. The proposed research will determine when, how much and by whom domestic plants should be watered. The results are relevant to public health because the PI is a member of the public.
The PI keeps four pots and has not watered them for eleven days (unpublished observations, PI). If this household generalises, and nothing in our data suggests otherwise, 8 billion people with four pots each, eleven days overdue, carry 352 billion pot-days of untreated hydration deficit at any given moment. However, the volume, timing and allocation of tap water across co-housed ornamental species remain undefined. This is a critical barrier to progress in the field.
The long-term goal of our research is to eliminate preventable wilting in the domestic setting. The overall objective of this application is to define the determinants of root-zone water provisioning in a four-pot windowsill model: one peace lily, one monstera, one pothos and one basil. Our central hypothesis, formulated on the basis of our preliminary data, is that the plants are dry. The rationale for the proposed research is that, once moisture status is known, the household will be able to add water. Our team is uniquely positioned to carry out this work because the windowsill is in the PI's kitchen, next to the tap.
Aim 1. Establish an innovative, high-resolution longitudinal moisture atlas of the four-pot cohort. Working hypothesis: substrate moisture is below the threshold the PI's index finger can detect at the second knuckle. Approach: weekly digital (finger) sampling, as previously validated in our desiccation-tolerant tardigrade colony.
Aim 2. Using the Aim 1 atlas, develop an innovative, first-in-class allocation model for per-pot water volume. Working hypothesis: the monstera requires more than the basil. Approach: a mixed-effects model with pot as a random effect (n = 4).
Aim 3. Using the Aim 2 model, deploy an innovative, translational tap-to-pot delivery intervention. Working hypothesis: water, once applied, will be absorbed. Approach: one litre, distributed as Aim 2 specifies.
Upon completion of the proposed research, it is our expectation that the plants will have been watered. These results are expected to have an important positive impact because they will, for the first time, put water in the pots.
No household has a validated watering protocol. The PI's household has none either, which gives the study a clean baseline.
Figure 1. Leaf angle of the peace lily (Spathiphyllum), day 11 after last watering. The leaves show a pronounced downward trajectory (n = 1 plant, 1 time point). No error bars are shown.
A potential pitfall is that the peace lily dies before Year 4. If death appears imminent, we will water it as a pilot of Aim 3.
If Aim 1 finds the soil moist, Aims 2 and 3 will not be needed. We consider this unlikely, because nobody has watered them.
Y1 Y2 Y3 Y4 Y5
1234 1234 1234 1234 1234
Hire postdoc ##.. .... .... .... ....
Hire biostatistician .##. .... .... .... ....
Hire hydrologist ..## .... .... .... ....
Aim 1 moisture atlas ...# #### #... .... ....
Aim 2 allocation model .... .... .### #... ....
Watering can purchase .... .... .... #... ....
Aim 3 water plants .... .... .... .#.. ....
Dissemination .... .... .... ..## ####
Modular, 10 modules per year.
Indirect costs are requested at the institution's negotiated F&A rate, which the PI understands remains in effect.
To the Study Section,
I have let this flat to the PI for [number] years and have seen the plants through the window during inspections.
I confirm the tap works, and I support this application with enthusiasm.
The Landlord
Clinical trial determination. (1) Human participants: yes, the PI. (2) Prospectively assigned to an intervention: yes, the watering can. (3) Designed to evaluate the effect of the intervention on the participants: no. The effect is evaluated on the plants, and any improvement in the PI's mood will be noticed but not measured. (4) Not applicable. This is not a clinical trial.
Authentication of key resources. The peace lily is authenticated by its supermarket label. The tap water is authenticated by the landlord (see Letter of Support).
Findings will be shared with the flat downstairs, which has a cactus and therefore will not need them.
Application 1 R01 XX999999-01. Reviewed by a standing study section with a remit in household and environmental systems.
Overall impact: Not discussed.
| Factor 1 | Factor 2 | Factor 3 | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Reviewer 1 | 6 | 7 | gaps identified |
| Reviewer 2 | 4 | 8 | gaps identified |
| Reviewer 3 | 5 | 7 | gaps identified |
We thank the reviewers. During the review period, the landlord watered all four pots during a routine inspection, and the resubmission adds Aim 4: characterise the landlord.
Activity code: R01 (Parent, Clinical Trial Not Allowed)
Project period: 5 years (1 July 2027 – 30 June 2032)
Direct costs: 10 modules × $25,000 × 5 years = $1,250,000
Due date: 5 October 2026
Early Stage Investigator status claimed (terminal degree 2006).
Every night, adults announce that they should go to bed and then do not. The proposed research will find out why, in one adult, over five years. Public health will benefit once that adult is in bed.
At 23:40 tonight the PI said aloud, to no one, "I should really go to bed." If the PI's experience generalises to every person alive (8 billion, which assumes that infants also say it; there is no evidence that they do not), the sentence is spoken 8 billion times a night, or about 2.9 trillion times a year, and no subsequent recumbency is recorded. However, nothing is known about the mechanism linking the statement to the bed. This is a critical barrier to progress in the field.
The long-term goal of our research is to shorten the distance between the sofa and the bed, which the PI estimates at eleven steps. The overall objective of this application is to identify the determinants of postponed nocturnal recumbency and to test a first-in-class supine repositioning intervention. Our central hypothesis is that bed onset is delayed by a phone-mediated scroll loop, formulated on the basis of our preliminary data (Figure 1). The rationale for the proposed research is that, once the loop is characterised, the PI will be able to stand up. Our team is uniquely positioned to do this work: the PI is awake, the phone is at 64%, and the bed is in the next room.
Aim 1. Characterise the innovative, longitudinal scroll-loop phenotype of the postponing adult. Working hypothesis: each "one more video" extends the loop by a fixed interval. The postdoctoral researcher will watch the PI watch videos.
Aim 2. Develop an innovative, scalable phone-disengagement protocol from the loop parameters defined in Aim 1. Working hypothesis: putting the phone face down on the arm of the sofa shortens the loop. The protocol will first be validated in our thirteen-lined ground squirrel colony during torpor.
Aim 3. Deploy an innovative, translational supine repositioning intervention, contingent on the protocol from Aim 2. Working hypothesis: once the phone is disengaged, the PI will stand, walk eleven steps and lie down. The aim is deliberately open-ended.
Upon completion of the proposed research, we expect the PI to be in bed. These results are expected to have an important positive impact because the PI will be less tired at study section.
Every adult in our sample who said this sentence on one night said it again the next (n = 1, every night). Over a 40-year adult life the PI alone accounts for 14,600 announcements. Multiplied across the species, no field has ever been larger.
Figure 1. Time of announcement ("I should really go to bed", 23:40) against time of bed onset (not observed before the end of the recording period). n = 1. A striking trend toward later. Error bars could not be computed.
The PI may fall asleep on the sofa during Aim 1, which would contaminate the primary endpoint with a non-bed sleep event. Should this occur, the postdoc will wake the PI and we will go to bed.
If Aim 2 does not disengage the phone, Aim 3 cannot proceed. As an alternative strategy, the PI will put the phone down tonight and go to bed. We consider this unlikely to be needed, given our preliminary data.
Y1 Y2 Y3 Y4 Y5
Hire postdoc, biostatistician ███· ···· ···· ···· ····
Acquire bed (see Budget) ·██· ···· ···· ···· ····
Aim 1: scroll-loop phenotyping ··██ ████ ···· ···· ····
Aim 2: phone disengagement ···· ··██ ████ ···· ····
Aim 3: go to bed ···· ···· ···· ·█·· ····
Data analysis ···· ···· ···· ··██ ██··
Dissemination ···· ···· ···· ···· ··██
Modular, 10 modules per year.
Additional narrative justification: one double bed. The PI's existing bed is required as the control condition.
Dear Members of the Review Committee,
I write in strong support of this application. I have been available every night for nine years and have been occupied before midnight on [insert number] of them. I am fully committed to the proposed work and will remain flat throughout.
Sincerely, the mattress
Clinical trial determination. (1) Human participants: yes, the PI. (2) Prospectively assigned to an intervention: yes, the bed. (3) Designed to evaluate the effect of the intervention on the participant: yes. (4) Health-related biomedical or behavioural outcome: no. The outcome is whether the PI is horizontal, which is a position. The study is therefore not a clinical trial and has been submitted to the correct announcement.
Data Management and Sharing Plan: announcement and bed-onset timestamps will be deposited in the phone's weekly screen-time report, which already holds the complete dataset and releases it every Sunday.
Findings will be shared with everyone else in the household who is still up.
Application: 1 R01 XX261447-01
Review: the standing panel for behavioural studies of sleep and circadian regulation
Overall impact: Not discussed
| Reviewer 1 | Reviewer 2 | Reviewer 3 | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Factor 1 | 6 | 3 | 5 |
| Factor 2 | 7 | 7 | 6 |
Factor 3: gaps identified. The biosketch lists no previous instance of the PI going to bed when intended.
Reviewer 1: The aims are entirely interdependent. Aim 3 cannot start until Aim 2 has disengaged the phone, and Aim 2 cannot start until Aim 1 has measured how long the PI can look at it. The task appears once in the timeline, for one quarter of Year 4.
Reviewer 2: The central hypothesis is compelling. Enthusiasm was dampened by Aim 2, which proposes validation in a thirteen-lined ground squirrel colony that is described nowhere else in the application. Hibernation is not the outcome of interest.
Reviewer 3: The Specific Aims PDF was created at 01:14. This reviewer notes that writing the application may be the delay it proposes to study.
We thank the reviewers. In the nine months since submission the PI has said "I should really go to bed" on 274 consecutive nights and been in bed before 01:00 on none of them, a replication cohort presented here as Figure 2; this introduction was completed at 02:10.